impact, not intent
"Good intent doesn’t matter when the end result is harmful...You can’t act as a company but expect to be forgiven like a person."
—Jenna Yow, “The Problem With Critical Role’s Latest Campaign”
pagan poetry
(apologies to björk)
I wrote a lot of bad, angsty poems as a teen. I still remember thinking that comparing the moon to a pearl was brilliant. (I was definitely the first to make THAT comparison!!!!!)
In high school, I devoured e.e. cummings and Edna St. Vincent Millay. I watched 10 Things I Hate About You and immediately became a Sylvia Plath fan, along with every other angsty alternative girl in the late ’90s.
“Make anyone cry today?” “Sadly, no…but it’s only 4:30.”
Writing (and reading) poetry was a way to channel that quintessential teenage feeling of being misunderstood, of having feelings so intense and uncontrollable they had to be funneled into a creative outlet or I would burst.
In college, I still wrote poems, but they were silly and self-deprecating, about wanting to kiss a crush on a fire escape even though he was boring and didn’t know I existed. Things were changing. It wasn’t cool to take yourself and your emotions seriously; it was cool to be sarcastic and flippant.
I also started rejecting anything “feminine” because, in my naive misunderstanding of feminism, I thought anything feminine was inherently weak and pandering to the male gaze. (Learn to cook? I’m no ’50s housewife!) Poetry was both too serious and vulnerable for where I was in life. Like this poem by Joseph Brodsky, which absolutely destroyed me when my English professor read it in class:
I wish you were here, dear,
I wish you were here.
I wish you sat on the sofa
and I sat near.
The handkerchief could be yours,
the tear could be mine, chin-bound.
Though it could be, of course,
the other way around.
I wish you were here, dear,
I wish you were here.
I wish we were in my car
and you'd shift the gear.
We'd find ourselves elsewhere,
on an unknown shore.
Or else we'd repair
to where we've been before.
I wish you were here, dear,
I wish you were here.
I wish I knew no astronomy
when stars appear,
when the moon skims the water
that sighs and shifts in its slumber.
I wish it were still a quarter
to dial your number.
I wish you were here, dear,
in this hemisphere,
as I sit on the porch
sipping a beer.
It's evening, the sun is setting;
boys shout and gulls are crying.
What's the point of forgetting
if it's followed by dying?
(RIGHT!?!??! I apologize for destroying you too.)
I closed off part of myself because I thought poetry was weak and froufrou and Emily Dickinson, and I wanted to be tough and edgy and sullen. 😢 I didn’t like being so sensitive, because I felt so much pain.
Surprise, surprise: dulling my ability to feel pain dulled my ability to appreciate beauty, too. Thankfully, I give fewer fucks now. I cry more freely these days, because I know feelings will pass. Maybe part of it is turning 40 and realizing that I am who I am, I like what I like, and I’m too tired to pretend otherwise. I’m a sensitive marshmallow, and I’m never gonna be Rosa Diaz from Brooklyn 99.
In any case, I found a book of poetry at Goodwill for $3 and bought it.
It’s…not great. It’s basically the lowest common denominator of poetry (The Raven! Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? To be or not to be! and so forth). But it’s poetry. Reading poems feels like a secret little indulgence. Poems don’t really fit into capitalism. They’re not productive. It’s like watching clouds pass by or something—truly no “value” except the exquisite pleasure of words melting on your tongue. The rhyme and rhythm and alliteration and assonance takes me right back to 10th grade English class, and it’s delicious. It’s learning for learning’s sake, and it makes me feel smart (who doesn’t want THAT?!). The exquisite pleasure of looking up new words in the dictionary like “munificence” (generosity) or learning that Shakespeare actually wrote a ton of sonnets to a dude, meaning he was queer or a woman or both (!).
Anyway. Poetry is cool. Take it away, Edna:
P.S. OK, I can’t stop…here’s another one from Edna. Or should I say Miss St. Vincent MillSLAY?!?!?
quote of the day
“Listen, I’m a pretty good judge of people. If I wasn’t, I couldn’t sell extension cords.”
—extension cord salesman, Monk, S1E13
thrifting a plus-size ren faire costume
that i might actually wear again 🤞
I’m going to my first Renaissance Fair soon, which is HARD TO BELIEVE seeing as I’m such a big dork!!!! what!!!
I know a lot of people geek out over historical accuracy. I’m not one of those people (yet). I just wanted to buy secondhand pieces I can re-wear. I learned my lesson the hard way after thrifting a cape for a vampire-themed edition of Blood on the Clocktower: I was in a rush and bought something cheap that’s the sort of sweaty silky polyester I’ll never wear again if I can help it. My bad!
So this time, I was a little more careful. First I did some in-depth googling for inspo:
(I know, many of these are more pirate-y than Renaissance. But the goal was something easy, cheap, and entry-level. If I end up going to more ren fairs, I can up my game later—or buy something cool from a vendor there.)
Some common themes were emerging:
a loose blousy cotton/linen tan or cream shirt, either lace-up or off-the-shoulder
a brown or green corset or lace-up vest
loose pants in green, tan, brown, or black (ideally tucked into high boots), because I’ve recently realized I hate skirts and thus would probably not re-wear a maxi skirt
leather (or faux leather) accessories—especially a belt
comfortable, flat lace-up boots
With that unofficial shopping list, I hit up my fave 3 thrifting sites: Poshmark, Mercari, and ThredUp.
(Why all three? A quick aside: in my experience, Poshmark has good quality stuff and you can make an offer, but sometimes the prices are high. Mercari seems to have lower prices AND you can make an offer, but recently I placed several Mercari orders that got cancelled because the seller never shipped it. :( You can’t make an offer on ThredUp, but you know the items are in stock, and sometimes there are good sales, like this weekend for Memorial Day. Not sponsored, just sayin’.)
As a plus-size person, aka fat (which is not a bad word), sizing can be tricky. A one-size-fits-all belt probably doesn’t actually fit all. ThredUp’s measurements are often hilariously and frustratingly questionable—a shirt that’s marked as 2x will say in the description that the chest measures 33 inches. (So…it’s actually a medium? 😞)
I spent literally hours searching for this stuff and checking the measurements and fabric content (cotton, linen, or rayon only, baby!). You might think that’s a waste of time, but I absolutely love online shopping. I like to think it activates the hunter-gatherer part of my brain. (It’s the thrill of the chase, even if I’m chasing clothes that can’t actually run away from me! I feel the same way about the hilarious phrase “mushroom-hunting.” Mushrooms don’t have feet, silly!)
I digress. Anyway, here’s what I ended up ordering:
Green top: Mercari. Boots: Poshmark. Everything else: ThredUp. Knight not included.
I’m hoping I can layer the off-white blouse under the green pseudo-corset top, but I got the brown (chestnut? mahogany?) tee as a backup; both of them are shirts I could easily wear in everyday life. The faux-fur vest/capelet is a little silly and has the lowest re-wear potential, but it’s just fun and makes me think of Game of Thrones (even though I’ve only seen half an episode). Two pairs of pants, both of which are generic enough to re-wear, because buying pants online is a crapshoot and hopefully one will fit (I’ll return the other pair). My plan is to cut the fingies off the gloves for a sort of archer vibe, or just general badassery. Buying shoes online is hugely risky (especially because Poshmark doesn’t accept returns) but I knew my size in the brand (Dankso) and know it’s reliably comfy, so fingers crossed. I’ll either knot the belt around my waist or try to make some sort of headband out of it.
You might be thinking, why don’t you just wear things you already have? Believe it or not, I don’t actually own a white blouse (I dyed the one I had purple), and my one pair of brown pants has cargo pockets, which is just not the vibe. (I recently went through a whimsigoth phase, so most of my closet is black or purple, along with some hot pink circa Barbie.)
I probably could’ve saved money by going to thrift stores IRL, but that probably would’ve taken even longer (and I doubt Goodwill is having a Memorial Day sale). Now to hope that things actually fit and I can make an outfit that looks halfway decent! ⚔️
postapocalyptic fashion
Blame it on recently watching the 2nd and 3rd Matrix films (both bad, but especially the 3rd, which was downright painful) but I’m strangely attracted to postapocalyptic style right now. Think Tank Girl, Charlize with her head shaved in Mad Max, etc.
I haven’t gone on an internet deep dive yet, but some themes seem to be:
Ripped, destructed, destroyed fabrics - holes galore
Combat boots - you know, the ankle kind with a flat sole and some chunky buckles (NO HEELS. Heels have no place in the dystopia!)
Tight-fitting pants tucked into said boots, or weird drop-crotch/”harem” pants, or cargo pants
Fingerless gloves
Drapey layers, like a tank top under a holey or mesh sweater
Asymmetric or handkerchief hems
Maxi-length dusters/cardigans/trench coats
Lots of black, grays, and muted earth tones (NO PASTELS, DEBBIE*)
Chunky belts and/or harnesses
Hoods
Over-the-knee socks paired with shorts
Androgyny
It’s a weird combination of practical and sexy. A little flash of skin peeking out of a tattered top, or a sliver of thigh between aforementioned over-the-knee socks and shorts. Nothing impractical or overtly feminine like ruffles, lace, or scoop-necks, but hot all the same! (Maybe because the implication is that this person survived the apocalypse by being scrappy and clever and kicking ass.)
It’s not lost on me that thinness (not to mention whiteness and lack of visible disabilities) seems to be the default in this (as in most aesthetics). Sigh. Also, I HATE that women in this genre magically have time and resources to shave their legs and armpits regularly (and would also choose to wear a push-up bra) even though, you know, THE WORLD HAS ENDED. (Never any period stains, either.) So yeah, this aesthetic certainly isn’t perfect. I do admire, though, that the looks are generally pretty unisex and it’s more acceptable for women to have shaved heads and be less girly. Sure, you can survive the apocalypse with long wavy hair, but at least have the decency to put it in a ponytail!
Ahem. Anyway, post-apocalyptic fashion IMO seems to be related to a few other aesthetics: steampunk, futuristic/cyberpunk, and Western. Steampunk and postapocalyptic both have goggles and a brownish palette, although steampunk is more industrial. Futuristic/cyberpunk is less about dirt and more about shine/leather, I’d wager, but they share the drapey, mesh, and unisex aspects (postapocalyptic is like the Matrix, but rub some dirt on it!). Western style—think Wynonna Earp, not a John Wayne Halloween costume—is also kind of rugged, practical, and boot-centric, but cowboy hats would look ridiculous in postapocalyptic style.
More aspects of postapoc fashion, according to the internet:
Bones or animal skulls used in jewelry/accessories
Shredded fabric
Practical accessories like a water canteen, knife, holster, etc.
A scarf that you can use to block the sand from your nose/mouth (why is there always sand???)
The radiation/danger symbol
Some kind of leather wrist cuff/”bracer” - similar to fingerless gloves, but with more buckles somehow
Army green
Heavy smudgy eyeliner, because obviously makeup is a priority during a complete societal shutdown
Apparently this aesthetic is also called “wasteland,” and Pinterest is trying to introduce me to something related called “solarpunk fashion.” Whaaaat! The more you know.
P.S. Turns out I’m two years late and the kiddies are calling this “avant apocalypse”!
*Referencing Morticia, of course:
ellen raskin
Today I learned Ellen Raskin—author of The Westing Game, my fave book as a kid and perhaps an adult too—didn’t write her first novel until she was 42!
What a delight.
Anna Sui style on a thrift-store budget
Forgive my limited Canva skillz. I’m no graphic designer!
I’ve been obsessed with Anna Sui for a few months now, but obviously only the privileged few can afford to drop $1,000 on a dress (ok yes i picked the most expensive one and some of her dresses are ONLY $500). High fashion designers know this, so of course there are cheaper options for us commoners — collabs with Target and Starbucks, cosmetics, a lovely coffeetable book I got for Christmas, etc.
But to REALLY get that Anna Sui style on a cheapo budget (especially stuff you can wear vs. just use/display in your home), ya gotta get creative. And by that I mean searching for Anna Sui-adjacent/lookalike pieces on Poshmark, ThredUp, at Goodwill, etc.
First, a quick primer on Anna Sui’s ~lewk.~ The consensus seems to be that her style is rock-n-roll plus, like, a whimsical and feminine vintage vibe. A little punk, a little flirty. Mod ‘60s, flowy ‘70s, ‘90s grunge, 2000s butterfly clips all blended together. It’s girly but also edgy and she always includes nods to interesting cultural/historical eras. For instance, her fall 2024 runway looks were inspired by Miss Marple and are VERY librarian-chic. (Old lady detectives forever!)
Overall, there are a few themes:
Purple and black with maybe some red, fuchsia, navy, or teal accents
FLORALS, especially roses in a sort of ‘90s Betsey Johnson way, and bold ‘60s daisies
Butterflies
A hint of whimsigoth - unicorns and other magical elements, grays, celestial stuff, sparkles, etc.
Art Nouveau-esque swirls and ornate borders
Lace and other embellishments
Black and white stripes
Lots of layers, patterns, and flouncy frills
Bold, chunky lettering/fonts (at least on her branding—not her actual fashion)
FLUEVOGS (seriously, I think most if not all of her runway models wear them)
Let’s be real. I can’t afford even secondhand Anna Sui, but I am an avid online thrifter. Here’s what I looked for:
Purple. You’d be surprised how little purple clothing isn’t sports-related! I guess manufacturers/designers rely on basic-ass, popular colors like blue, red, black, white, and beige. Even pink seems easier to find than purple! (Thanks, Barbie.) After spending WAY too much time looking at purple nail polish online, I found the perfect one: Choreo Queen by Essie. It’s on the violet/blue side and reminds me of the purple that Olivia Rodrigo used in her Guts era.
PATTERNS like paisley, florals, patchwork, and (to a lesser extent) stripes
Ruffles and tassels
Flowy feminine shapes like babydoll tops/dresses
Anything that looked vintage-y
I have to brag—I scored this puppy for $7 on Poshmark:
IS Faded Glory a sad, uncool brand found at the likes of (I dunno) Walmart, Target, Fred Meyer, or a dying department store? MOST DEFINITELY. Do I care? Not at all. Because no one knows when you’re wearing it, and your personal taste and how you style things matters more than the actual brand you’re wearing! (You can’t buy taste!) Ahem. Off soapbox now.
Anyway, I also snagged this lil buddy for $16:
I seem to have better luck on Poshmark, where sellers are individual people who might respond to my questions about fabric/measurements, as opposed to ThredUp, where they don’t give a shit if measurements are wildly inaccurate.
Fully addicted to Poshmark at this point, I spent WAY too much on this dress (let’s not talk about it):
Anyway, if you wanna thrift Anna Sui-inspired pieces, I’d say ignore brand names and focus on the overall vibe! It takes more time and effort, but it’s so satisfying when you do find something—and it’s less than $1,000 😉
Barbie and fatness
photo by AllGo - An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash
Vox has an excellent read on Ozempic and the Barbie movie:
To have a good body, our culture tells us, is to have a thin body. There are bad ways and good ways of getting a thin body. Is there any good way to have a fat body?
If you’ve ever read the comments on any body-acceptance post on Instagram, you know the answer is no. People are truly vile and fatphobic, either explicitly or by concern-trolling and pretending they’re worried about a fat person’s health 🙄. On one celebrity gossip site I read, commenters are literally convinced Lizzo is an “industry plant” to advance some nefarious Pro-Fat Agenda. (It didn’t help when I tried pointing out there is WAYYY more money to be made from women hating their bodies than women accepting them.)
Vox again:
Ozempic seems to give our body-fascist culture permission to say the quiet part out loud, the quiet things we whisper to one another when we sell Barbie merch: Your body is not enough, you should hate your body, you can fix your body only by suffering and injecting and sacrificing money for its eternal maintenance. Those ideas were supposed to be on their way out of the culture by now. Ozempic and Barbie make it clear that they’re just as strong as ever.
Le sigh. If you need a palate-cleanser, some of my fave body-acceptance Instagrammers are Michelle Osbourne, Tiffany Ima Akpan, Megan Jayne Crabbe, and Emilia. Give them a follow!
40 obsessions
random hottie photographed by Arianna Jadé
I almost put “40 recommendations” but let’s be real, my two modes are obsessed or not even the power of 8,000 fiery hellspawn could compel me to care. so…here are things i’ve obsessed over at some point in my life but probably the past 365 days. (none of these are referral links because i may be the world’s most influential person according to my cat but i’m not an influencer.) ok let’s goooo!
Baldur’s Gate 3. yes, act 3 is buggy as hell, but it’s GAME OF THE FRICKIN YEAR for a reason, babyyyy! it’s silly, it’s heartwarming, it’s very gay, it’s for us D&D weirdos! played it for who knows how many hundreds of hours so far and i still have a lot of quests left. mooost of my free time is either playing it or thinking/reading/texting my friends about it.
noosa pumpkin yogurt. costs almost as much as a tesla but much more delicious and 100% less likely to self-destruct. tastes like pumpkin cheesecake but silky smooth.
Anna Sui. got into her after getting into whimsigoth. her vibe is romantic + punk/grunge + art nouveau. ‘20s meets late ‘60s meets ‘90s. black roses, lace, purple, jewel tones, butterflies, Twiggy-esque makeup, London mod, Courtney Love, high tea, etc. i’d say this is a classic anna sui look - flirty and sparkly but also dark. plus she just seems like a lovely sweet human (and she likes fluevogs!).
medieval tavern youtube videos (like this christmas one). use firefox + ublock origin, though, so it’s ad-free. youtube cracked down on adblockers earlier this year (don’t get me started) but so far, knock on wood, ublock origin still works on firefox. luv u mozilla!
grocery pickup. i don’t love Kroger having a record of every single thing i’ve bought (hashtag privacy amirite), but i DO love almost never having to go inside a grocery store. (if you’re neurodivergent or just get overwhelmed/overstimulated, you know what i mean.) you pick your groceries on the app, see exactly how much everything costs BEFORE you pay, choose some substitutes if something’s out, choose your pickup time slot, and go getcha food. it’s stupid easy. i started during the pandemic (shout out to heather) and am hooked.
stevie nicks, björk, and hayley williams were my musical obsessions this year. common themes: great personal style, creativity, talent, and badassery.
speaking of björk: the umlaut, always. ööööööööööö (look, it’s a surprised face!)
good dye young. speaking of hayley williams, her hair dye line is great. smells delicious (bergamot!) and supposedly moisturizes your hair. read the reviews, because some colors are better than others (apparently the purples aren’t great). i’ve used Ex-Girl (hot pink), Riot (her signature orange), and Steal My Sunshine (yellow) and want to try green.
resin DIYing. so far i’ve only made coasters and light switch/outlet covers, but resin is so dang fun. it’s basically liquid plastic that hardens, and you can put dried flower petals or leaves in there, or glitter, photos, mementos, whatever. (thanks to carlee, who got me a resin coaster kit last year!) just BE SAFE and wear gloves, do it outside, etc.
cats. do you have a cat? what, you’re “allergic”? PSHHH.
speaking of DIYing, other DIY/home improvement essentials: a cordless drill (ideally one with a little light and that is magnetic so screws stick to it), a level, a good boxcutter/utility knife and replacement blades, a stud finder (nyuk nyuk), and spray paint (especially key for transforming secondhand finds).
Craig Frames. i’ve gotten a lot of frames over the years and Craig Frames are reliably excellent (but not cheap 😬). Sturdier than Ikea frames, plus they come in, like, any dimensions.
dang did i really say 40? seems like a lot.
queer romance novels. recommended authors: Georgia Beers, E.J. Noyes, Melissa Brayden. also enjoyed Hayley Kiyoko’s debut novel.
ridiculous christmas ornaments. i currently have a slice of pizza, bottle of ranch, burger, box of Cheese-Its, Cool Ranch Doritos, cupcake, and fries. instead of a star or angel on top, i have the Christmas octapus (obviously). when my sister was little, she made a dragon out of clay that instantly became known as The Christmas Dragon.
disposable gloves. a must for spray-painting (or hair-dyeing or resin crafting). i know i’m killing fish/trees/dolphins but i sleep soundly knowing i’m not an oil exec, a politician passing anti-climate legislation, or a pop star causing massive fossil fuel emissions with her private jet (iykyk).
for real i’m seriously only at fifteen? we gotta speed this up.Embrace Autism. excellent blog and much better than the evil organization that shall not be named.
LastPass or any password manager.
The Mary Sue for nerdy lady news.
Dana Scully. no explanation needed.
Speaking of iconic queer-coded redheads, Mrs. Frizzle. “Take chances! Make mistakes! Get messy!” Words to live by. PLUS Lily Tomlin voiced her! I mean!!!
YouTubers like Angelyca Violet (who talks about plus size fashion, whimsigoth, grunge, etc. as well as making jewelry), Moda Misfit (cozy living and dark-inspired small-space decor), and Phyrra (goth and cruelty-free beauty).
Ominous Positivity Memes on Instagram.
a stick vacuum. way easier than hauling out a big ole one.
Libby (the library app) - free ebooks and audiobooks! also apparently a lot of people don’t realize you can get DVDs from the library?!?!
fruit snacks. not just for kids!
the Fletcher/Shannon Beveridge/Becky drama, which lives rent-free in my head.
CREDIT UNIONS. banks are stupid. leave your bank!
Sin in Linen for gothy/dark romantic bedding. Expensive but sooo nice.
Instead of judging someone for liking/doing something I wouldn’t have, mentally reframing it by realizing they just have different priorities than I do (I mean, as long as it’s not something unethical or harming someone). Someone spends hours on their makeup or watching sports? It doesn’t mean they’re shallow or stupid (although they might be, of course), we just have different priorities. Still working on this, but it’s a game-changer. (Thanks, therapist!)
Lush’s Snow Fairy scent. It’s like bubblegum and vanilla and magic.
sitting and staring into space. doing nothing. (very anti-capitalism chic.) taking naps. looking out the window and taking deep breaths to see what nighttime smells like. it mostly smells cold.
definitely NOT deciding to make a super-long list and then taking all diggity dang day to finish your blog post about it because you did absolutely no planning for this in the previous 365 days even though that wouldn’t have taken much time but would’ve made this a whole lot faster and easier (32.5: complaining about self-imposed creativity)
searching for old homco shelves (plastic-but-fancy-lookin’!) on Etsy, eBay, poshmark, mercari, etc. and finding the cheapest one and then spray-painting it black so it looks goth or kinda victorian (do NOT search for “goth shelf” and then pay twice as much for one that someone already spray-painted black; you are a do-it-yourselfer!)
fakespot. i hate jeff bezos (he and elon musk can be slowly dismembered and eaten by a kraken) but when i MUST give him my money, fakespot is the only way to go, because you KNOW there are a bazillion bogus reviews on amazon.
does the dog die and unconsenting media, because it’s helpful to know in advance if a show/movie/book has triggering stuff.
fake candles + rechargeable batteries. an electric fireplace. help i’m at the point in the list where i’m literally just looking around my living room
tony’s chocolonely. that is some GOOD SHIT. i met some of their employees years ago and they seemed like absolutely lovely humans. great but not cheap (like several other things on this list because apparently i have expensive taste).
ex-evangelicals who are now happily doing their own thing. see: Qveen Herby (especially her songs Black Sheep and Gorgeous), Deconstruction Girl on the ’gram, and Nikole Mitchell, the pastor turned stripper (mostly because she makes the conservatives sooooo mad!).
Lindy West, always and forever. she started a podcast this year!!!! (on top of being a bestselling author, having a TV show, and making a movie with one of her partners. she’s basically conquered every form of media except polka music.) i’m not a podcast person so i only made it through (less than) one episode but i’m sure the rest are great LUV U LINDY
sleep
not too bothered
Bjork has a new video out with Rosalía, which didn’t really knock my socks off, but it DID send me down a youtube rabbithole of her older songs—and lionsong is incredible. Weird and dazzling and haunting and spare. The kind of song that cuts through you and reminds you just how singular her genius is. The kind of song that slowly pokes a cold bony finger through your defenses and pushes gently on your hurt like some kind of psychic doorbell. Just listen to it.
Maybe he will come out of this
Maybe he won't
Somehow I'm not too bothered either way
Maybe he will come out of this loving me
Maybe he will come out of this
quote of the day
“I don’t mean to be rude, but have you ever been to the Grand Canyon?”
—Sabrina the Teenage Witch, S1E21
(the OG show from the ’90s, not the reboot)
in defense of seasonal decor
image: Karolina Grabowska
When I was in my 20s, my Reckless Asshole years, I looked down on seasonal decorating. It was the purview of elementary school teachers (with those scalloped bulletin board borders) or Bored Straight White Midwestern Housewives (as I rudely thought of them, reducing an entire region to a one-dimensional stereotype). It was only for pathetic people; I was far too busy Having a Life to pay attention to something as inconsequential as the passage of time. (I said I was an asshole!)
Now I realize that was pretty ageist and sexist (and reductive). Of course it implies having lots of privilege—you clearly aren’t worried about housing, food, safety, etc. if you have time to decorate. (And yes, all the usual critiques of mindless consumerism, capitalism, and waste.) But seasonal decorating seems like a mostly feminine thing, or an older-lady thing, and I don’t want to shit on either of those. It’s part of America’s larger culture of sexism and belittling stereotypically feminine stuff in favor of stereotypically masculine stuff. (For example, dudes can play with model trains/cars and remote-controlled planes their whole lives, paint miniature figurines, and have a Man Cave, but the feminine equivalent of those things is somehow mock-worthy and inferior. Not to mention that gender roles are stupid and everyone should be allowed to like what they like, regardless of gender!)
image: Anna Tarazevich
Anyway, I say fuck it! Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older, but I’ve come to love Spooky Season and the chance to toss black gauzy fabric over everything. Black and white stripes, cute ghosties, spiderwebs, a DIY bat garland cut out of construction paper while I watch Netflix—I WANT IT ALL. I’ve always loved fall (summer can suck it), but my obsession has reached a new level. I guess I’m less afraid to be considered “basic” and would just rather drink the dang pumpkin spice latte than try to be cool. Spend late summer driving around to stores like Michaels in search of spooky decor I can put up two months early, even if it pisses my neighbors off? Sign me up! I guess this is what my life has become, but I’m not mad about it.
Is it pathetic? Maybe. My younger self would probably judge me and think I need to get a life. But I also know that even though I wasn’t super interested, I went to a lot of events in my 20s because I didn’t know how to say no, or I thought I was supposed to, or I was trying to impress someone. Now I’m better at boundaries and the whole “If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a no” thing. I protect my time, even if that time is just spent taking a nap or reading a cheesy murder mystery. I’m a little sad for my younger self—I didn’t really know who I was or how to stand up for myself and what I wanted. Maybe that’s just your 20s. In any case, as I continue dreading/anticipating turning 40, I’m glad I no longer give a shit. LET’S PUT UP SOME PUMPKINS!
P.S. There’s also something to be said for slowing down and embracing rituals and appreciating the seasons, whether that’s celebrating a solstice or eating something in season (shout out to the tomatoes in my backyard, who definitely know how to read and are reading this blog post). 👻
let’s go party
Filipino drag queen Slaytina via Pexels
I’m excited to see the much-hyped (some might say overhyped) Barbie movie tomorrow, to my confusion. I played with Barbies as a kid, but once I got older, I thought they were stupid. An anatomically impossible body shape that’s the equivalent of size-3 feet and a neck too small to lift her head? Ankles so thin she’d have to crawl on all fours? Isn’t that pretty much the opposite of feminism?
Not to mention this:
In a psychological study, girls from age 5 to 8 were shown images of either a Barbie doll or a more realistic "size 16" doll. Those who saw the Barbie dolls had less self-esteem and worse body image and had a stronger desire to be thin.
Yikes. Why am I so excited? I wondered. (So excited that I bought tickets ahead of time, painted my nails pink, and watched all the trailers.) What is WRONG with me?
Then I read this:
I know some folks are not a fan of Barbie, particularly because of the unrealistic beauty standards that she has represented for years. And somehow, I am totally wrapped up in the pink and nostalgia even though I never really saw myself represented through Barbie. I think we can hold space for both?!
—Lauren Leavell, body-positive fitness instructor & trainer
I really like this take. It’s much more compassionate than yelling at myself, for starters. Plus, the media blitz for Barbie has been unavoidable—Mattel really went all out on a truly ridiculous number of brand collaborations. (A less generous take might be that the Barbie movie has been shoved down our throats. No one asked for Barbie x Ruggable.)
And I think a lot of it has to do with global and national landscapes. We’re facing staggering inflation, widespread homelessness (and politicians who seem clueless about what to do), and the Ukraine/Russia war, but everything is supposed to be fine because COVID is “over.” It’s a really fucking depressing time to be alive, and this movie looks like fluffy, delicious escapism. I keep thinking of Legally Blonde and Mean Girls, both of which are quotable and silly and iconic, and hoping this movie is witty and subversive and joyful enough to sit alongside them. (Not that they aren’t both flawed and problematic too.)
Then there’s something I’ve also been trying to wrap my head around lately: decoupling pink, sparkly things from gender. After all, in the 1910s, pink was a masculine color:
The generally accepted rule is pink for the boys and blue for the girls. The reason is that pink, being a more decided and stronger color, is more suitable for the boy, while blue, which is more delicate and dainty, is prettier for the girl.
—Earnshaw’s Infants’ Department, 1918 (via A Little Bit Human)
Wild that things completely flipped.
I’ve been thinking about gender lately. The most widespread images of nonbinary people are thin, white, androgynous hotties wearing colors like black, navy, and gray. But I hate those colors. (Unless I’m having a summer goth moment.) I love pink, rainbows, and unicorns! I want my clothes and home to look like funfetti cake topped with iridescent glitter! I want Party City’s mermaid section to throw up on me! Who decided those things had to be “feminine”?
One quote I keep coming back to is “Femmes can be thems.” I can like stereotypically “girly” things without identifying as a girl. Wearing sparkly eyeshadow doesn’t mean I’m a woman. (At least, I hope not? I’m still trying to figure this out.)
Anyway, back to Barbie. It looks campy and queer and colorful and irreverent, and I AM HERE FOR ALL THOSE THINGS. Of course I still think capitalism is bullshit. Of course I hate that girls start thinking they should go on diets at, like, age 7.
But I also need a little treat sometimes, and I’ve been trying to feel less guilty about that.
Here’s hoping it’s a delicious little escapist treat.*
*the fact that conservatives and Fox News are already complaining it’s “too woke” is a good sign.